Turbo Blog!

Next time you want to know if someone is Catholic ask, “Are you Protestant or Not-estant?”

Today I finally went to this Blockbuster closeout sale they’ve been having on my drive to work. Since it’s been going on for probably over a month, it was really picked over. Aside from the fixtures and other Blockbuster-related paraphernalia, all that remained was:

• 50% - Direct-to-video horror movies
• 45% - Documentaries and biographies on BTK
• 5% - Blockbusters from last year that are not nearly as great in retrospect

Seriously, I have never seen so much about BTK. It was like the BTK factory outlet.

Sports cars: why do they call them that? I’ve never seen a Maserati play football. Just sayin’.

Should I be surprised at the number of unintelligent things I hear at Community College?

Today in Ethics class, I heard someone say something I thought I’d never hear. I’d encountered this phrase before, but only on the internet in weaksauce blog comment debates. Perhaps you’re familiar with it. It’s about the topic of homosexuality and it goes a little something like this:

“God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!”

Can you imagine seeing Bigfoot in real life? Or discovering the last of the unicorns? Imagine how I must have felt encountering this fantastical bit of commentary in a serious context. I always thought to myself, “This is some made up argument to mock Christians, not something one would actually use in a serious debate.”

How mistaken I was. It was so surreal… Obviously it took a lot of effort not to laugh out loud at the stupidity of it all.

Here’s another dumb rebuttal I hate, this time a response to people who oppose living together before getting hitched:

“You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first!” usually followed by some smarmy winking face.

If I was ever considering moving in with someone and heard this world-wise piece of advice, I would immediately check myself into a convent and never come out. Is there any hope for relationships with this kind of retardation floating around? People really devalue their partners so much that they have no qualms comparing him/her to a piece of property? If a couple has this attitude, they should just skip a few steps and break up right then.

All that aside from the fact that this “argument” disproves itself. What, nobody test drove all the lemons in the world? How are you supposed to know anything from a test drive other than how the car drives? What, like you can tell in that moment whether it will ever break or need its entire engine replaced?

I don’t care what most of my fellow students think. There are as many opinions as there are people. But what I do care about is my brain melting in the process of somebody trying (poorly) to defend their position. I should not have to suffer because people are too lazy to think for themselves instead of regurgitating Youtube comments written by apes.

You start copying the apes, and then what happens? They become the superior species. And what happens after that? Planet of the Apes. And nobody wants that.

(Except the apes.)

Let’s say, hypothetically, you were in Alaska and you met some new friends. Your friends ask you in kind of a secretive voice, “Hey, want to go clubbing with us?”

What would you do in that situation? Would you politely decline, nervously go along with it, or confess you had no idea if they were talking about dancing or murdering baby seals?

I think about deep things.

Today I went to Universal with ‘Stine. It was kind of a crazy day, because there is now an occasion for a new list.

Things I never wanted to hear in a bathroom that I have heard kids say in the bathroom:

1. Help! I fell!
2. There’s a trash can right there, just do your business and get it over with.*
3. Mommy, you didn’t wipe good enough.

*This was technically not said in a bathroom but in the queue for Dueling Dragons. However, the girl was suggesting using the trash can as a bathroom, so I think it counts.

Gosh, I swear I am the worst blogger ever. I have, no lie, about 20 half written entries on here that I haven’t posted yet. Oh well.

Do you know what we need more of? States. We need to get some more states in these United States of America. It’s been “The 50 States” for way too long. I think we’re starting to get complacent.

In this era of economic decline, I think adding some extra states would bring a much needed boost to morale and patriotism. It would be like saying “Hey, remember manifest destiny? Well it’s not over yet!”

(Except only a few people would understand what that means since I’m pretty sure we stopped teaching history in school and when most people hear “Lewis and Clark” they think of that 90’s Superman show. Bear with me here.)

We already have some mostly-States queued up. All those “territories” like Guam and the Virgin Islands could easily bring the number up to 54. I feel worst for Puerto Rico. Did you know everyone born there since 1941 is a U.S. citizen but they’re not fully protected by the constitution? That just sucks. Make them a state already.

And what about the moon? That would make a kickin’ state. I’m pretty sure space is first-come, first-serve, and we wouldn’t even have the blood of innocent natives on our hands if we took it over.

I think the major impediment to something like this happening is that 50 is such a nice, even number. It’s half of a hundred, basically the king of multiples-of-ten when you’re talking about a collection of things. I’m a more-is-better kind of person myself, but some people just wouldn’t be satisfied with a “52 States of America.”

Well okay, problem easily solved: we can make more states by cutting bigger states into more manageable portions. Take for example Texas. It’s way too big. We could make that, Montana, and California into at least 3 states each.

Or to get back to 50, we could fuse together some of those New England States. Does Rhode Island really have any business being a state? I don’t think so. Maybe we could also give back Hawaii since it wasn’t exactly a fair acquisition to begin with.

(Although I guess if we’re gonna go there we’d also have to give back most of Mexico, and I guess the entire continent.)

I think it’s time to get some more states. Surely it would be exactly as simple as I’ve made it out to be.

Guess what? I am going on a trip. In fact, I am leaving for the airport in 2 hours. I’m flying to Arizona to meet up with my brother, who just finished a luthier program there. (He passed, by the way.) Then we’re driving back to Florida.

This is going to be the longest road trip I’ve ever been on. I have also never really seen the western states. So I’ve been pumped about this pretty much since my brother left for school 5 months ago.

I had it all planned out very nicely, with just the right amount of structure, not too much, just enough. But then my professor cancelled class on Thursday, meaning we no longer had to rush and had time to see family and stuff… So I’ve been busily trying to rearrange all that.

But anyway, I wanted to try something cool for the trip by planning it on Google Maps. I initially had my parents in mind for this, but I think it’s neat, so I’m just going to post it here. It’s an unlisted map, so I’m not broadcasting this info to the world, just my friends.

So if you’re curious you can follow along on Google Maps and Twitter (this is actually the whole reason I got Twitter). I might be able to do things like upload pictures as we go, but no promises since I hear internet is kind of spotty out there.

Trip Map on Google Maps

My Twitter Feed

Michael Jackson died. Nobody doesn’t know that by now. So here is something every central Floridian should know about: his 3-D show Captain Eo which was at Epcot Center in Disney World before Honey I Shrunk the Audience.

I have never been an MJ fan, but Captain Eo is up there with Thriller in the realm of “pretty sweet.”

Trivia: My mom was still working at Epcot when the attraction opened, and she tells me that MJ gave a live concert which was piped through the speakers all over the park. The only celebrity I saw when I worked there was Gary Sinise. Twice. Well, that is in addition to the 8 billion times I saw him deliver the recorded safety message for Mission: Space.

You know the saying “the grass is always greener on the other side?”

Here is my variation:

The milk always tastes weirder in somebody else’s fridge.

It’s totally true. I don’t really know just what it means, but it’s true.

(Ryan, I was not drinking your milk.)

Speaking of this particular turn of phrase, I have noticed that in Disney’s The Little Mermaid, in the song “Under the Sea,” Sebastian sings “The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake.”

Dude, there is no seaweed in lakes. Hence the term:

SEAWEED

Crabs are stupid.